Brittney Citci a American Muslim who recently convert to Islam

My name is Banu, I am a 5th generation American and convert to Islam. I now live in Ankara, Turkey with my husband and cat. I enjoy reading, writing, video games, working out, Islam, and languages. I am a returning student for international relations, before I was a medic, nurse and volunteer firefighter.

I am working on my own website I hope is mostly done by the end of Ramadan. My website is dually in part about my life in Turkey as an expat, and various articles and help for native Muslims with their religious.

brittneycitci.com

My story converting to Islam

I am of this case. I was an atheist, from an atheistic family. The Quran had absolutely no influence on my conversion.

I was raised by a very strict atheistic family whom made sure I was well away from any religious upbringing. My parents had a personal spite with their family trying to Christianize them; so they worked very hard to ensure I never live what they did. Growing up I never knew much about Christianity, which people somehow are surprised seeing that most Americans know the minimal at the least.

I was 21 when I was studying Islam for fun just to disprove it. I hated all religions, except Western Buddhism (it seemed the least problematic). I was a nurse, it was through seeing illness and death that made me first think there is something more…watching life transform to death is something not easy to forget. My own health declined during my Islamic research, it came at a time when my health/life was at its peak. I had a heart condition, and my life fell apart.

Atheism wasn't answering the “Why is this happening to me?” My illness gave me a lot of time to think and I did a lot of self-reflection. I came to the conclusion that I am an overly selfish being, with an egotistical existence that does not benefit society, I was miserable and purposeless and afraid of death. I ran away from my life, and my illness until I accepted the fact that I am ill, and I might be wrong about life and why I exist. After recovery my life was empty, I started to read Hadith (specifically Bukhari).

Sahih Bukhari had a lot of amazing facts that I could not deny. Most of it incredible given the lack of knowledge in those lands, and in those years. I started to change my attitude that this Prophet (pbuh) miraculously knew things that would have been impossible to know. I still hated the idea of Allah swt. Over time I grew to respect this Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and agreed with nearly everything in the hadith. Yet I didn't want to be Muslim.

I tested Allah swt. I tried the “duaa” thing. When I got what I wanted I said it was just chance and circumstance. It took me months to somewhat believe in Allah swt. I converted to Islam 10+ times because I had major tawheed problems. I even made duaa to not be a Muslim. I fought within myself to stay an atheist, but my lifestyle changed. I somehow slowly adapted to an İslamic lifestyle even before I converted because of the hadith. I stopped going to parties, I started to dress more conservatively.

I decided to take an Islamic class on tawheed to clear up my confusion about God. It was then that I fully believed in Allah. It hit me like a lightning strike, I fell into a depression and wouldn't talk to people for months. Converting to Islam was not a happy event, it was terrifying to realize that my egotistical religion (atheism) was wrong, I was wrong. I was defeated, and I would have to rebuild myself from the nothingness. I was very pissed off about my conversion for years, it wasn't until about the 2nd year where I started to enjoy it. Allah swt chose me, before I chose Him.

I am approaching 6 years as a Muslim. They have been the most lonely and difficult in my life, yet they are the most fulfilling and I have not regretted it since.

Conclusion: I converted because I was compelled to be something greater than myself. Islam has a lot of logic I couldn’t deny and the religion answers all the questions I need to keep going as a human. I am no longer lost in the Atheistic debacle of existence.